The intricacies - as well as the rules - of water polo escape me. Frustrated, I left the Canada - Hungary semi final yesterday at the FINA 2005 championships with a sour, dirty taste in my mouth. And I’m not talking about the mud which had covered a significant portion of my pants.
So there it was: Canada has been doing pretty well in this Montreal-hosted water-sports world event, and ticket sales have been steadily growing, although it’s still common to see empty seats at many of the events. Well, you can’t blame us - it’s the first time we see anything like this over here, and as an island, we’ve been turned off swimming ever since people started growing extra arms after taking a dip in the St-Laurence. And honestly - not that I don’t think it requires tremendous athletic skill to perform, but some of these events seem to have absolutely no relation to the primal needs of humans to be athletic…
Running: sure, makes sense because on the plains of Africa, you had to watch out for those prancing gazelles; Swimming - fine, because we do love our fish; But take synchronized swimming, for example - sure, its hard, but ugh! It’s so ungraceful with those spastic jerk movements and they all look so scary with the monster makeup they lather on their faces.. If you can see some sort of connection to a survival skill, please, feel free to point it out. I heartily conclude that swimming upside down with your legs in the air does nothing to dissuade the barracuda barreling towards you in the open water.
Diving is another one that makes no sense to me - what life-athletic-skill was the seed of the sport that basically says: "Hey look! I can twist and flip and turn much tighter than you can, and I can do it all and barely make a ripple when I enter the water!!" It’s like some crazy cliff-jumping kids one day decided to out-crazy each other, and see who could take the plunge without impaling themselves on the jagged granite stones below. But I digress. Oh, how I digress.
Yes, as I was saying, before my train of thought (steam-powered, and eco-friendly) interrupted, was the beginning of a rant about water polo. Now in some countries, this is widely regarded as some sort of national sport. The only thing I can conclude from this is that the fine people from these countries have some sort of hidden aural fetish for whistles. For the love of- ! Could there be maybe 10 seconds without one of those men in white blowing his toot?! It’s an attack on our senses! And the players, knowing full well that a whistle is about 3…2…1.. second away, repeatedly (not always, but often) fake being dunked and get a sort of "free kick" (hey, I tend to compare sports to soccer!).
And I’m not done with the refs yet! They wield an unfathomable power over the way that the game is played, and the consquent outcome, due to the penalties that they give out without seeing about 80% of what’s going on. Honestly, I once saw a Canadian player being drowned, basically, with her hands up above the water and the other player more or less sitting on her, and the ref, the ref he gives the Canadian a penalty! There may be something I’m missing here with the rules or something, but I think, and I’m sure you’ll agree, that being drowned by the opposing team is hardly a punishable offence. Whatever. The refs suck. By giving the other team (Hungary) the majority (about 80%) of the power plays in the game, they effectively handed them the win.
Dan’s super-cool suggestions to make the game of water polo better:
- The entire pool should be made of transparent plexiglass!
This way, there could be additional refs patrolling around the sides watching what was going on under the water!
- There should be a scuba ref!
He’ll stay under water the entire time, and make whale sounds (or, alternatively, a sound of a dying giraffe) when a foul is committed!
- Water jet packs for one person on the team!
Repeatedly we were treated to a Canadian player swimming down the side of the pool, with some support behind her, and every time she would simply stop and wait for the others to catch up! Where are the breakaways?! Where are the shots on net? Where’s the speed? My idea would solve all this easily. And hell, give the goalies one too, but make the nets bigger - I’d certainly pay to see someone shoot 5 feet out of the water like a dolphin, jump through a hoop and eat a fish before landing again.
- Put barriers behind the spectator benches so that stuff can’t fall through them!
OK, this is more of a personal thing. I was cheering when suddenly my bag fell through the large gap between my seat and the foot plank, and I watched in horror as it plummeted through the air before hitting the mud-sogged ground with a mighty smack!. I rushed down below the bleachers, prayed that the electrical wires resting in the pools of water wouldn’t electrocute me, and found my bag resting in a nice brown pool of mud. GAH! In case you were wondering, yes, this is where my pants become covered in mud. It was quite slippery down there.
Dan’s super-cool suggestion for the rest of the sports world everywhere:
- Do something like the swim-off to start each game.
Man, is that crazy. I even got a vid of it. I think I want to be the guy who’s job it is to pull the ball-ring away just before the players reach the middle. He’s so cool. Either that or the job of the kid in the leopard speedo who swam out to place the ball in the middle before each quarter. He must have good job security.
Dan’s super-cool pictures:
Hungary (left) vs. Canada (right)
The best of canadiana was out supporting our national team!
Dan’s super-cool ending:
I doubt this’ll catch on here in Canada. Its fun to host, but I have a feeling Montrealers and Canadians are more used to the fast pace of Hockey. Water polo is kinda exciting at times, but there are a bunch of things about it that make it ridiculous - like the fact that it’s almost impossible to get the ball away from the other team once they have it, so even if you’re down with a minute to go, you’re still screwed because the other team has the ball. Anyways, still - GOOD LUCK CANADA FOR THE BRONZE!
