Go:

Sand: Superior quantity of this substance is present in Australia.  Quality varies.  High points overall for having some that you can brush your teeth with.  Negative points for ruining digital cameras.  Positive points for being sneaky enough to accompany tourists back home with then whether they like it or not.

Final score: 4.8/5.0

People: Australia is a very white country by my inaccurate sampling.  Its really only Whitefellas (Crackers) and Blackfellas (Aboriginies).  Oh and throw in some fistfuls of Asian tourists.  Positive points for being a gigantic country yet still somehow retaining a small town feel, even across cities far away.  Its really a common thing to meet someone you know by chance even if you’re not from the city you’re currently in.  I’ve never seen this happen as much anywhere else.  Negative points for Sydneysiders at Kings Cross because they’re so seedy.  Positive points for the accent, which I still haven’t got down and don’t think I ever will.  But I did practice…

Something very endearing Australians do is say “You’re allright” when they mean “No problem” or “You’re welcome”.  Its not much but it feels much more personal than the latter.  That’s going on the plus side.  I haven’t yet met an Australian that I didn’t like… just wanted to run away from.

Final score: 4.8/5.0

Internet Access:  Seriously.  Get with the program.  At the very least get the stupid coffee shops to offer it.  And give it for free to the people in the stupid airport where its really important! Stop gouging for an essential service!  Only positive is that it is fast when you pay for it…

Final score: 1.0/5.0

Water: I’m convinced water at Yulara near Uluru which was supposed to be safe to drink poisoned half the bus.  For a country with as much desert as Australia I’m willing to be lenient, but there are many places where you need to wash up with undrinkable stuff.  Its tough not to swallow any.

As far as natural water goes, its quite beautiful to see billabongs where the land supports it.  And there’s no beating lake Mackenzie, ever.  What it does have, it does it well.

Final score (Desert Adjusted Score): 4.0/5.0

Beer: They like their light beer in Australia.  But its not what they call light, which they think means low carb.  To me it just means a colour that’s not dark.  Most of the beers here taste pretty much the same, which was very disappointing… and some of it just tastes absolutely terrible.  Think Labatt 50.  That’s better than VB, which is present in almost every bar or pub that you go to.  Its tolerable enough when first served because the cold numbs the taste, but its downhill from there.  You have about 2 minutes to finish your drink or it becomes terrible while it warms.  Maybe that’s why Aussies get drunk so fast..

Another beer: XXXX Gold.  I had trouble with this one at first because I thought people were saying “Forett’s” when they were really saying “Four X”.  Damn accents.  Many confused bartenders thought I had a speech impediment.  Anyways, this one tastes pretty good!  However there’s a catch! One day to my dismay I read the back and found that the alcohol content is a staggering 3.5%!  So really, when you dink four x you’re really just drinking funny tasting water….

Best beer in Australia: Toohey’s Old, a dark amber ale that no one seems to have on tap.

Final Score: 3.8/5.0 only because of the Old.

Food: Meat country likes meat.  Vegetarians need not apply, because a veggy meal to most Australians is lettuce, tomato and beets.  I’m fairly sure I might have had a mild case of malnutrition in the first two weeks before I caved.

Breakfasts seem to exist only in tasteless, cookie cutter form across the entire continent.  Toast, eggs, sausages, beans, bacon.  And that’s only if you’re allowed the hot breakfast option.  All this accompanied by canned melons and honeydew that have rubber texture and nothing else.  Oh yeah, hash browns too (sometimes).  I never thought cereal would look so good to me – I couldn’t have any because there was never any soy milk.

Lunches were generally self-bought, so you got what you paid for where you paid for it.  Best lunch I had was at a famous stop called Daly Waters where I had the local Barramundi.  That shit just melted in my mouth.

Dinners…honestly nothing particular comes to mind save my last one, but that’s probably because it was yesterday.  What does that say about dining in Australia? :(

Final Score: 2.5/5.0

S*** to see: Ok, there’s a lot of stuff here.  And most of it is pretty astounding.  The coastal cities are predictable but it doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful, because they really are.  The Northern Territories are a lot more fun to travel around and look at, but its not easy going.  The coast has some really great stuff up north, and most cities have a good nightlife.  Pick your poison.

Final Score: 5.0/5.0

TimTams:  Truly excellent.

Final Score: 5.0/5.0

Bugs: They are persnickety, just like my Tilley hat.  They are also the most annoying things invented on the planet.  Blow flies can blow me.  I was debating how to score these, but I think I’ll just grade them on their annoyance effort.

Final Score: 10.0/5.0

The Sea: Lots of things can kill you in the water.  I was fortunate not to encounter any of them, although the surfboard almost did me in.  There are islands with the name “Shark Island” and lets just say Australians aren’t the most imaginative bunch.  Snorkling the reef was a life experience I won’t forget.  But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not really a water sports kind of guy.  But I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t tried all these things!  So good on ya!

Final Score: 4.0/5.0

The Flight Over: Easy one – it sucks ass. 22 hours going, 18 return.  World is too damn big.

Final score: 0.0/5.0

Lamp: I love lamp.

Final Score: 5.0/5.0

AFL: I also call it “Easy Rugby”.  But the pitch is completely round, therefore an appropriate score…

Final Score: 3.1415/5.0

Money: Australians like to say that they’ve got rid of the useless penny, so their change system is superior.  However, they fail to mention the monster 50 cent coins that feel like they’re made of lead.  And the two-dollar coin is almost the smallest coin they have, so you’re always fishing for it amongst the change.  My original wallet broke and I had to buy a new one because of that damn change. When you walk you feel like you’re always veering towards the right due to the weight.

The only redeeming feature of this mass of metal in your pocket is the incredibly satisfying feeling you get when you pay for a $9 drink using a fistful of metal and dump it all in the barkeep’s hands.

Final Score: 1.0/5.0

Weather:  Barring one of the most miserable days of my life, and one night where the humidity was very close to if not actually 100%, the weather while I was there was some of the best I’ve ever seen on a vacation.  And this was a month’s worth of weather across many different climate zones.  Maybe I just got lucky, but places like the Gold Coast aren’t named that because of their mining deposits.  Three cheers for Australian weather!  Although the sun is pretty brutal if you’re not prepared for it.  Just buy yourself a Tilley hat and you’ll be fine…

Final Score: 5.0/5.0

Conclusion: 59.0415/75 = 64%

What the hell.. this review sucks.  Disregard.

THE REAL CONCLUSION:

Australia was a trip of a lifetime where I was constantly surprised at the diversity and excitement every day brought.  But that also has a lot to do with the tour group’s credit as well.  But with a country as vast and diverse as Australia its just a manner of logistics and personality that they need to bring to the table, which was done well enough in the end, especially the Northern Territory part (which was my favorite).

If you want to go I highly suggest the NT portion above the other if you need to choose.  The east coast tour is nice but there aren’t many surprises really and the partying part can really be done in any other metropolitan city, save for the location near the coast.

The tour’s highlights almost exclusively include the optional activities that are offered along the way.  The bus is there to take you from place to place but its the optionals that make the memories.  Plan to spend extra cash (upwards of $1500 or more just for about 10 of them) after you get there in your budget.

I also recommend going alone.  You’ll just be much more open to meeting new people, which is important on a bus full of people.  Or if you do go with a friend make sure you don’t bubble yourselves off.  You meet tons of interesting people on a trip like this and it would be a shame to miss out on it.  You’re spending a significant amount of time with them anyways, might as well be friendly.

Go to Australia.  The sand there is breathtaking.

No worries.  Hop on/Hop off is a proud tradition in many cities and takes way too long to say aloud and has the strange property of being unable to be shortened in any understandable form.  It is also a service in Sydney/Bondi that has a very long loop which makes it hard to actually hop off at more than a couple of places because otherwise you’ll miss the last hoppy bus back.

We made it to Bondi beach.  Which seemed to have frozen over sometime in the afternoon.  Yeah, its round and pretty.  But in comparison to some of the places I’ve already been on this trip… it just can’t measure up.  Best thing out of Bondi: I finally found a pair of boarders that were less than $80.  And they have spaceships on them.  Word.

The final dinner in Bondi was some of the best Indian food I have ever tasted.  A some point during the meal I had to just stop for a second because my tongue and brain couldn’t handle the flavor overload.  It was like wham! Wham! Wham! Holy shit!

The best part about dinner was that it was overlooking Darling Harbour, which is just effing darling.  Its a slick little spit of water that is big enough to call a harbour but small enough so that it doesn’t smell like there’s a fish rotting somewhere.  And it doesn’t hurt that the whole damn thing is surrounded by hotels and restaurants and an aquarium and the biggest IMAX screen in the world (and no one wanted to go see the new Star Trek on that screen with me!).

Yes yes, everything is wonderful. And now for some complaining.

Hotel Internet
You know, for a Marriott the internet service really does blow quite a bit.  I’m not sure what was up with my specific pc but every time I tried to access the default sign up page I got cryptic messages.  The tech support was generally useless too, and the first one I talked to had to put my on hold six times because he kept asking his supervisor answers to my questions that he wasn’t understanding anyways. OK, vent over.  But seriously.  Internet is so backwards in that country, they don’t treat it as a right, its a privilege that needs to be charged very high amounts for.  Get a clue, free internet is good for business because people can find out about you when they are in the city and searching!

Hotel Phone
Should have f***ing read the fine print more.  I thought that if I used a calling card then I wouldn’t get charged for calls.  Nope! $1.25 every time that I lifted the phone.  Fuck you, you cheap pieces of s***.  Its a stupid PHONE. We are in 2009! Why do you charge for something that’s ubiquitous anyways?!  Oh, and I also realized that $0.50 (pay phone price) only lasts a grand total of 1 minute for a local phone call.  I don’t understand how anyone could stand this for any length of time.  OK, next!

Vacation Over
Its been a month but it feels like years.  Its horrible to say but I have a little trouble remembering what I did in the first two weeks until I look at the pictures on my camera.  Or re-read these posts! Thank goodness for this :).  But the trip is over and so is the tour.  That’s something to complain about.  Next post: Danny reviews Australia!

The Jet Boating that I had signed up for also left from the Quay.  My first walk around there was impressive.  So many people!  The city also uses it as a hub for all types of transportation – Bus, Train and Ferry!  How interesting it is that you all know this now.

Anyways I was heading to a different part of the Quay.  That’s pronounced “Key”, but that may just be the Aussie tendency to replace all “a” sounds with e’s.  My actual name is “Denny” by the way.

I met some Contikians by the Jet boat and we watched the previous group come in completely soaked.  We all agreed that this was most excellent.  As the best (i.e. wettest) spot was in the back, I went there.  It was wicked fun – we got lots of airtimes and the pilot kept whipping out 180’s and crashing into waves, soaking us.  We all wore ponchos, but all they really do is funnel everything through the neck, down your chest and into your underwear.  Comfy.  Got the necessary photos of course as well…

Next on the Sydney menu was an authentic AFL (Australian Football League) match played at the Sydney olympic park!  You know, where they had the olympics!?  It was massive!  Thirty four thousand people there and it wasn’t even half full.  But wait, I have to explain Aussie Rules football first.

• Guy gets ball
• 18 players try to kill him
• Guy freaks out and kicks or punches the ball away
• Repeat until scoring distance
• Aim at one of three goals
• Kick

However! If any any point someone catches a ball that has been kicked without touching the ground, then everyone backs off and cannot touch them for around 20 seconds.  So they can really control where they want it to go.  That’s usually how goals are set up, because someone catches a kick pass near enough to the goal.

But that’s not all! I haven’t even told you about the OTHER guys on the pitch…

OK, so 18 per side on the pitch, two different teams and uniforms.  By the way the uniforms don’t have sleeves.  Seems to be a standard thing.  Maybe there’s a polyester shortage in Australia.  Anyways, digressing.  There are seven umpires on the pitch in green as well.  And these guys are the goofiest thing ever.  When the ball goes out of play, one of the umps takes the ball to the side, turns his back to the field, and then launches the ball back up over his head into play.  Try to picture what a giraffe would look like if it did this, and you’ll get the general idea here.

But wait! That’s not all!  What other colours can we throw around?  Yellow!  Who are those yellow guys!?  Why, they’re Runners of course! They what? They get a telephone call from the coach and then run on the field to go talk to the players to tell them what to do?  Seriously?  OK, seriously.  Wow.

Its really quite the sight.  They can’t be part of the play so they usually spend about 10 minutes working their way across the field running the hell away from everything until they find their man.

But WAIT! That’s not all!  We’re forgetting something!  That’s right, waterboys!  Every time there’s a goal attempt (after someone has caught a kick near the goal) waterboys swarm the field.  Its like an invasion of white.

So, with all these positions available to aspiring AFL players, I have developed the following table for role assignment:

Using this easy to understand chart we can crush children’s dreams faster and point them in the right direction at an earlier age.

This is a long post already so I’ll keep the rest fairly brief.  After the game we went out to that famous World Bar once again, and long story short, I only bought one beer there before jetting, and there was a cover, so essentially it cost me $22 for one beer.  And I ask myself where the cash goes.

One last thing for the Kings Cross tourists: Someone got shot twice in the leg that night outside of the hotel that most of the Contiki people were staying at.  Like I said, Sydney has dirty underwear.  But now with streak marks.

While entering the city we passed by my hotel (more on that later) and I sighed as I was taken further and further away from where I eventually needed to go.  But the group photo must be taken!  Couldn’t miss that :).  We headed to a peninsula of the Botanic Gardens that had a fantastic view of both the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge in the background, and a photographer named Dave took our picture.  He told us to say “Moneyyyy!” instead of the standard “cheese”.  I thought it was appropriate considering the rate at which cash has been dissolving in my wallet along the east coast part of the trip.  You would think, for example, that $150 would be enough for my last two days in Sydney, considering my credit card was also available.  But poof! One night later and hellooo ATM.

But I digress.  Back to happenings.  We were brought the hotel that many of the group booked with Contiki (it was full when I booked my trip) and left to our devices from there, the tour (not-a-vacation) was officially over!  How sad… but incorrect-sad for most of us.  Because most had planned to stay in the city for a few nights after the trip like I had.  But, we’re all pretty sad sentimental stupid people anyways and said goodbye in any case.

I shared a cab to my hotel and took a breath, because the Marriott entrance was just fantastic.  It was pricey but after the lack of privacy and truly good sleep for the previous month, it was absolutely worth it.

After doing a little jig after seeing my king-sized bed with six, count ‘em, six, pillows (who actually needs six?), I ventured out for the first time in my life into a brand new city, alone.  I stared at the inside of my room door for a little bit steeling myself for it too.  It was trivial, but there you go.  I didn’t even end up spending too long by myself, I got some dinner and then headed out to meet up with the rest of the contikites that were still in town.  By extreme chance I met up with a whole group of them on the train platform that I was taking to get there – and its strange, but that sort of thing kept happening over the following days.  Even in a large city like Sydney, you can still bump into people you know.  I’ve been living in Montreal for a very long time and stuff like that happens, but not often.  It probably has something to do with how dense the city center is, which is very.  Traffic is a nightmare…

Speaking of dense… so, let me paint the picture: Kings Cross area of the city.  This is the party district, and I mean that in every sense of the word.  Lots of clubs, adult stores, red light corners, bars, everything.  All the girls wear as little as possible and all the guys wear whatever will get them laid most often.  Drinks are a reasonable (!) $9 or more for anything and the floors have superb gripping action due to the sugary cocktails that get spilled on them.  Barkeepers wear rain boots while they thrash around behind the counter.  The density of nightlife is staggering with everything that comes with it.

Got it?  So you’ll have to admit that it was pretty stupid of me to try and ask someone directions to a bar.  The best possible answer in that situation would have been a “fuck off”.  Unfortunately I got something else.

Me: “Do you know where World Bar is?”
Dude looks over, his eyes are unfocused
Dude: “No man, but you gotta have some of this!”
Dude has small blue pill in his hand
Dude approaches hand with pill to my mouth
Me: “Uh, no thanks, I’m good.”
I back away
Dude stumbles towards me, pill extended
Dude tries to put pill in my mouth
Dude: “Its fucking amazing man! Try it!”
I move further away and Dude turns back to his buddies 

Ahh, Sydney.  You’ve got some dirty underwear on.

I had signed up for something called 4WD Sand Duning or something – I rarely actually look at what I’m putting my name down for these days.  Turns out they take you to an area around Port Stephens that’s slowly being taken over by… you guessed it, SAND!

The SAND here has created some of, if not the largest sand dunes in the world, and the locals celebrate this by strapping plastic shingles to their asses and throwing themselves down the steepest ones.  And then they make us do it too.

Again, there are no roads because there’s SAND everywhere.  So the truck gets stuck often and usually is travelling at some angle other than neutral.  We saw plenty of SAND dunes and we climbed up and down them for a pretty fun but shaky ride to the first real large one – its quite impressive how high they can actually get.  On the far side of the dune (towards land) the SAND drops off quite rapidly.  We could get up right to the edge and its actually quite safe because the SAND is like a giant handbrake for you if you fall, since you sink into it.  So people started jumping off the edge… not saying whether I did or not because my mom reads this too.  Hi mom!

We also got to strap on the previously mentioned “sleds” and torpedo down a particularly steep one.  Not to be outdone by regular winter snow sledding, the guides also have a waxing stick that they grease your sled up with before you head down.  Its fast, but not as fast as snow!  But its a lot warmer and you don’t get soaked if you fall off – you only get sand in places that you never thought sand would ever, ever go.  Like in your ears.  I swear, a shower and 6 hours later I was still finding sand in my ear canal.  Not to mention the copious amounts that I ignorantly carried back into my hotel room in my pockets.  The bathroom floor looked like a sandbox.

On the actual beachfront we hunted for some small clams called Pippis by doing a very complicated maneuver christened “The Pippi Dance” which involves twisting your feet back and forth in the wet sand until you hit something with your foot.  I found a big’un!  These guys are a delicacy and these days also carry a $22,000 (not a typo) fine if you are caught taking one away from the beach.  So we just found some and tried to see if we could get them to dig themselves into the sand while we watched.  And we got one too! Its actually kind of neat, they stick this foot out and pull themselves down into the sand very easily.  Cool beans.

That was as far as the fun went on the travel-to-sydney day… next: Syndey!

Hey, we’re in the hotel driveway, why are we pulling out? And turning down this street? And driving for 2 minutes? And pulling up to a motel-looking building?  Oh, its the same hotel?  What do you mean, we have to cross a concrete multi-level parking garage to get to reception?  Oh, and there’s 4 security doors to pass through just to get to the main area? Fantastic.

In other words, we were right smack in the center of things.

I take one star off the rating for the parking garage “Path”.  I take another for the cot in the room that one of the 4-share people is supposed to sleep on.  And I take one more because the name of our “wing” was Zenith, or peak, tip, end of the line.  Woo! One-star spa!

At least they have one, right?  Hang on to your britches.  Or hot pants.

Its not really a happening place.  The only place to really drink is the hotel bars, so most of us head there for the night.  Its actually quite cheap drinking for once, and a decent enough bar.  Unfortunately they close at midnight… and that’s when the trouble began…

At quarter to twelve I’m wondering when they are going to announce last call, but it doesn’t come until 10 minutes later.  So with very little time left until closing they want people to buy their last round of drinks, drink them, and leave.  Never mind the official closing time itself, just this is pretty absurd.  In any case, midnight rolls around and they want people to leave.  Its quite obvious these guys get their power trips of the day during this time because they start getting verbally aggressive and abusive about it.  Our tour manager has about 5 cm worth of a drink left in his glass a little after midnight and there was no concession, he had to leave.  They ended up grabbing him by his shirt and pushing him through the door.  At least his glass emptied - but it was on his shirt.  Not only that, but a few other girls were finishing up a game of pool and one of the bouncers swore at them to get the f*** out.  Classy.

So, it was with heavy hearts that we had to leave the hotel whateveritwas.  The next morning, however, more than made up for it!

But before we get to that, a detour to the Carrumbin wildlife sanctuary!  Where you can “Get Closer” to a bunch of Aussie animals.  But don’t fucking feed the Dingoes!  Sorry, ongoing joke there. 

After spending 3 hours sleeping, what’s the best way to spend some time?  Why, walking around a gigantic compound full of animals!  Actually the first part was kind of cool – they started to feed these birds whose name I didn’t catch and there were probably about a hundred of them screeching and fighting with each other over… spilt milk.  Or that’s my best guess at what they were feeding them anyways.  I got a sick picture of one using my head as a perch.

Nothing too much else of interest there…  there was a giagantic saltwater crocodile in a very tiny pool though.  He had an electric fence.

On the way to surf camp we stopped at Byron, another surf town like Noosa, but this one seems to have kept its village-y feel much more.  Apparently there’s not one traffic light in the city, all roundabouts.  Maybe the secret to friendliness is not to make anyone ever have to stop in their car?  Anyhoo.  On to surf camp.

Arrawarra or something is a camp dedicated to surfing… and surfers run it.  So it has a bit of a stoner thing going on.  After a night by the campfire we got up with the morning dew and a little bit of sun for some surfing.  Oh boy! If I like it I can quit my job and go live in California and surf all day and rob banks like Patrick Swayze!

Looks like I won’t be quitting my job anytime soon…

I mean, it doesn’t look hard.  But holy fuck.  I could not stand up on the board.  I got everything else down pretty much, but my center of gravity feels abnormally high – I think its in my nose.  So getting out  from the crouch just put me overboard every time.  Not to mention how exhausting it is to be constantly under a barrage of waves – just so you know, they never stop coming.  SO even if you want to take a little rest you’re not really resting until you get tossed onto the beach.  Which, by the way, hurts too.

I didn’t like it very much, but almost everyone else did.  No big deal though… now I know another sport that I will never spend anymore time on.  Another example is cricket.  Fucking boring ass game.

So Danny ain’t a surfer.  Awww.  I don’t think I like the sea very much in general either.  That sailing trip was cool but I don’t think I’d go back anytime soon.  And lots of things in the water here can kill you… very severely.  Like a jellyfish can enter your mouth and choke you to death as it stings your esophagus.  Just use your imagination and it can probably happen.

Next! The very last full day of the Contiki trip (awwwwww!)

Draculas is a cabaret restaurant in the GC that we had the option of signing up for – and it was superb.  The theme of course is vampires and goth and etc etc etc that even remotely looks like it might have to do with anything like that.

We enter with a small group at a time and we’re greeted right away by a cryptmaster-type guy who looks like an intelligent Igor, and then you get to the common area that has one of the coolest bars I’ve ever seen…  the walls have these animatronic half-torsos chained up and they jerk and look around at you while you drink.

But the next part is probably unique in the world – a ghost train ride is what actually takes you to the the ampitheatre eating area!  Stuff pops out at you, air blows at your face (ahhh my hair!) and someone comes out of the shadows to slap your cart while you’re looking the other way.  The best part is that they film it all and then show it to the crowd during intermission so everyone can watch you scream like a little girl.

The food was really great – my veggie dish was served in a ceramic human skull floating in green “brains” (blended peas).  And they make a whole bunch of different cocktails with scary names and taste pretty good, even if they are $14 or more each… you just gotta try one :).

The play itself was fun, but it didn’t really have a overall story like they promised (“Vampirates”).  It was also opening night so there were a lot of bugs that they have to work out – for instance the floating singing mermaid had her crotch zipper get stuck open, so she was hanging there with a fairly large hole in front of her crotch while she was singing.  All I have to say about that is how impressed I was with her ability to go on with her performance with that… what a trooper.

There were some really cool special effect, including a swimming pool and a giant screen of lights flashing a light show while they sang, danced and insulted the audience with jokes.  It was a lot of fun.  Meanwhile the “Vampirettes” or waitresses went around the theatre yelling insults at the customers and at each other from across the room, staying in character the whole time.  Really cool place :).

We hit the GC at full steam after going through Brisbane for a couple of hours.  Interesting story (ok maybe not) – my terrible Radialpoint “watch” that I’ve been using as a timekeeper for most of the trip, and has also been a delightful source of mockery from my peers,  took a nosedive on a Brisbane major motorway and disintegrated right on the road.  I managed to get most of the pieces before the light changed back to green but I’m afraid that the battery cover is lost forever.  Consequently in addition to the random time resetting when I drop it, the battery now falls out too!  I mean its not like time is important or anything.  End of side story.

So back to the GC… this was actually the first and only day “of rest” that I’ve gotten on the trip so far… In fact, I managed to sleep in and get up at 9:30 am!  Victory trumpets were going off in my mind when I looked out the window and realized that the sun was already up.  Mind blowing.

Spent a lazy day on the beach and eating some Indian food for lunch saving my strength… for the night.  Which was probably the best party night of the trip so far.  We went to this stupidly overpriced club called Melbas ($9 beers hooray!).  Just to give you an idea – they stamp your wrist when you enter the bar.  I had to get restamped 3 times because my dance sweat kept dissolving it.  The students in that bar had never seen the likes of my “unique” Montreal stylings, and consequently, I owned the place.  I got throngs… throngs of dance floor people copying my moves.  They had these little elevated platforms – I felt like a dance aerobics instructor.

As amazing as that night was, the next morning we had to get up at 6 and we left at 3… suffice it to say the next day was zombie bus central.  We left the Gold Coast all feeling like shit… and loved it.

Its everywhere!  In everywhere! Around everywhere!

Its an island made of SAND!  Rocks need not apply.  The only rocks you’ll find here are “Coffee Rocks” which are a mixture of reallllly old plant crap and SAND.

Fraser Island is a “unique” place and the largest SAND island in the world.  And it has a crapload of life on it too (Look! Trees!). 

We got to the island via a ferry and saw our eco-lodges – literally lodges.  Which was actually kind of cool because it felt a little like a frat house.  The drinking was like a frat house too, keeping with the theme.

The first night we partied down under at the Dingo Bar (“Don’t feed the fucking dingoes!”), and the next day I went on a whole day tour of the island.  For an island made of sand, there’s quite a lot to see… and quite a significant lack of anything resembling a proper road.

Thing about SAND is that roads made entirely out of it tend to suck. Hard.  The tour was called 4WD for a reason – although they should have warned us about the constant horizontal whiplash to come beforehand.  Picture someone grabbing your shoulders and then violently shaking you back and forth contantly for 45 minutes at a time.  Then picture yourself sleeping though that.  Well, that’s what I did…  The AC was broken so the bus became as hot as a womb (or the nearest that I can guess…) and the violent rocking actually ceased to be a problem after a while, due to some retarded human ability to sleep in situations like hurricanes and tornadoes.

We went to Lake Mackenzie first, which is a natural pool of freshwater that is lying on some of that Coffee Rock that just so happens to be impermeable.  The water is slightly acidic so there’s almost none of that pesky life in the lake, just pure, soft silica sand and the clearest blue water you’ve ever seen.  Taking a dip in there is reputed to take off 10 years from your life… which means I’m a fucking teenager again.  It was bad enough the first time, thank you very much.

Another highlight was the fact that there is actually a national highway on the island – but you can forget any street signs.  Because the highway is a beach.  Only accessible at low tide, and with a smattering of coffee rocks in the middle.  Oh, and planes regularly land and take off in between the cars.

There was a shipwreck on the highway too.  The Maheno if I recall… which I might not.  To be honest, like I said I was sleeping pretty soundly between the stops, somehow.

We also saw Eli Creek, the main island waterway.  Which is saying something because it starts inside the island where all the water is leaking through the sand and flows out to sea.  It moves a significant amount of water, and you can actually walk up it for a fair bit while eels bite your ankles.

We saw a few other things on the island like some SAND and some coloured SAND with rust in it… not bad, not bad… got some sick sunset shots… again…and turned in for an early night for a change.  Must catch up on sleep.  Its a tour not a vacation its a tour not a vacation its a tour not a vacation its a tour not a vacation its a tour not a vacation…